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I don’t know

Recently I came across an article about mindfulness and meditation in The Times. In the comments section, there were the predictable remarks about "woo" and "fad" and how mindfulness is just another meaningless buzzword to con people. I can relate to that criticism of "mindfulness" and I almost never talk about it. So rather than giving it a name as I talk about it here, I'm calling it [................ ].

I have practiced various approaches to [................ ] on and off for the past 30 years or so. The past 6-7 years it has been 20 minutes a day "formally", five days a week.

It's hard to say with certainty whether it has all had any effects, and what those effects are. The sort of changes created by [................ ] take time. They gradually become the "new normal" so they don't seem like changes. Only occasionally do I have the sense that I am now (re)acting differently than I would have done years ago. But I might be just imagining it.

Maybe I am doing [................ ] "right" but maybe I'm doing it wrong, or maybe there is a better way that I may discover - or not. I certainly don't feel confident enough to say to others which approach they should try, or indeed whether to adopt any approach.

All I can say is that I myself am committed to doing [................ ] regularly, both in formal practice and in moments of everyday life.

γνῶθι σεαυτόν

Digitally disembodied

You are reading this on the Internet, so you have probably developed some level of digitally-enabled “ambient awareness” - a constantly-updated sense of what’s happening near and far. The Internet can extend our senses around the world, even if it's just getting the latest snaps from family and friends.

In an excellent article in the New York Times, Clive Thompson talked about the cumulative effect of social media updates: “the little snippets coalesce into a surprisingly sophisticated portrait of your friends’ and family members’ lives.”

That’s the upside. The downside is that constantly looking at screens can cut you off from your other senses.

Image source: Disemboded: Micro-project III, MJ Quek

Breathe better to present better

What do you have in common with a highly-skilled ninja-type assassin? A lot more than you may think.

Ninjas, you, everybody can panic in situations that feel threatening. It may be when coming up against a heavily-armed adversary, even if it's in a computer game rather than in real life. For most of us, it's more likely to be a less life-or-death situation - having a difficult conversation, speaking up in an important meeting, or making a presentation. Whatever the situation, real or imaginary, your sense of panic is real and it has the same effect. It's the stress response, also known as the 'fight, flight or freeze' response. Automatically adrenalin is released into your bloodstream, your heart rate goes up, you breathe faster and you have trouble thinking clearly. In effect, your thinking brain goes offline. You revert to habit and impulse.

As Geordie in the novel says, when panic looms, it's time to pay attention to your breathing. Breathing is the one vital function that you can control deliberately, just by deciding to breathe more fully and more slowly. This is why breathing exercises and breath control are an essential part of so many disciplines. Deliberately breathing more slowly and deeply puts you back in control. It calms you down by activating the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), and that brings your thinking brain back online. It's a classic example of how mind and body are two aspects of the same system, continually playing off each other - like the rhythm players and melody players of a band.

You can do this exercise pretty much any time, any place. Give it a try and let me know how it goes

Yeah yeah yeah, but…”

In the early Noughties, when I lived near Amsterdam, I used to take part in a coaching group. I didn't much like the guy who ran it, and I wasn't crazy about the other people either. But I had a sense it was worth the trouble, so I regularly made the half-hour drive.

One day it was my turn in the hot seat and somebody gave me some feedback. I started answering back immediately. Before I could say more than a few words, the leader held up his hand, palm towards me, and said simply "technische afhandeling" (technical processing).

In other words, I was just going through the motions of taking the feedback. I was not really letting it in - not "letting it land". My ego was on full alert, finding arguments to dodge the comment, to avoid giving serious consideration to what was they were saying to me. I was more intent on justifying myself than understanding the other person’s perspective. Feeling somehow threatened by well-intentioned feedback, I was pushing back and missing a chance to learn.

I still have to remind myself that often, the most fruitful response to criticism is to shut up for a change, let it percolate and notice what happens inside.

Image credit: "Not listening to a word you're saying" by Cindy Press.

Commit to Clarity

Transparency and being a bit vulnerable are the thing now. So how about trying the following approach the next time you make a presentation or speak at a meeting? It should sound familiar ...

"Hello. Right, where shall I start? Let's see, obviously, um, you know, there are so many points and stuff I basically, er, want to sort of make, that, well, actually I couldn't really decide exactly, er, what I wanted to say. Haha. So I'm just going to um think out loud for a bit and, you know, sort of say a lot of stuff while you listen, or not, haha, and we'll see what happens, okay? Right. And to be fair, um, you may have to bear with me because sometimes I talk a bit fast, and sometimes I mumble and, er, well, you know. Anyway, I expect you'll get my gist. Or not. And feel free to ask questions."

What's not to like about this approach? It's transparent - all the speaker's thought processes are right there, for all to see. It's vulnerable - you can imagine the speaker squirming.

Transparent and vulnerable, yes, but it's also painful. In fact it's almost unbearable. If people know you and like you, they may try and make the effort to stick with you and understand what you're trying so say. But if they don't know you and/or they don't like you, they will have a stark choice: they will either lose the will to live, or else they'll stop listening and find something worth living for until you finish. In fact even the people who know you and like you will struggle.

Alternatively, with a little effort - with a little Attention and Space - you can get everybody on board with you as you speak. They may know you, or not. They may like you, or not. But they will at least get your point if you commit to clarity on three key elements: the Why, the What and the How.

1. The Why - Clear Intent

Before you start, get clear about your purpose in speaking - your point. What effect do you want your words to have? What outcome do you want to achieve by speaking?

When you get clear about your intent, shaping your content is a lot easier.

2. The What - Clear Content

Are people's attention spans shorter these days? I don't know. What I do know is that people (including me) easily get overwhelmed by a load of words and ideas coming at them. So don't overwhelm them. Keep it as simple as possible without making it kiddie talk.

Cut out any words and ideas that don't serve your purpose. Make sure that your words and ideas lead towards your outcome. Make sure they count.

3. The How - Clear Delivery

If people can't hear and understand the words you say, you're wasting your breath. You're wasting your time and theirs. It's not up to other people to understand you. It's up to you to make yourself understandable.

You don't need to sound like an elocution teacher with a posh accent. You do need to say your words clearly, to keep your sentences short and to allow time for them to land. Relaxed pauses give people time to absorb what you've said. They give you time to observe the effect, and to prepare what you will say next. They sound confident.

Try this exercise

This is a variation on the classic "lift pitch" also known as "elevator pitch" - that legendary spiel you prepare to deliver to somebody riding with you between floors. This exercise doesn't involve sliding doors or even an audience. Just you, in a place where you can stand comfortably, move your arms a little and talk to yourself out loud. You must have experienced one of those situations where somebody asks you: "what do you do?" Now write an answer that will take you a minute or less to speak. 100-150 is plenty. More than 150 is probably too many. As you write remember the why - what's your purpose in saying what you do?  Remember the what - what idea, what picture do you want to create in the listener's mind?

Once you have written it out, go to that place where you can talk out loud to yourself, stand and deliver your "what do I do" to your audience - yourself. Run through it several times. Notice what works, what sounds right, what feels right, what interests you both as speaker and audience. Be your own audience (but no heckling!). For bonus points, get in front of a mirror and do it.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes

Breathe better to present better

What do you have in common with a highly-skilled ninja-type assassin? A lot more than you may think.

In the novel "The Rhythm Section" (soon to be a major motion picture), a down-on-her-luck young woman is selected to become a secret agent. She goes through a gruelling training process that pushes her to her limits, and beyond. In the depths of cold, wet, exhausted despair her trainer, Geordie, then gives her a valuable tip: "‘When you’re in a tight situation, you canna be panicking. You gotta keep hold of yourself [..] By looking after your rhythm section [...] When you panic, you gotta get your breathing sorted. Once you do that, you’re in control of yourself again [...] It’s like in music. Drums and bass are the rhythm section, right? Your heart is the drums, your breathing is the bass. You get those two sorted, then you’re sorted. You can’t panic when your breathing’s under control and you’ve got your pulse in check. [...] Keep the rhythm section tight and the rest of the song plays itself."

Ninjas, you, everybody can panic in situations that feel threatening. It may be when coming up against a heavily-armed adversary, even if it's in a computer game rather than in real life. For most of us, it's more likely to be a less life-or-death situation - having a difficult conversation, speaking up in an important meeting, or making a presentation. Whatever the situation, real or imaginary, your sense of panic is real and it has the same effect. It's the stress response, also known as the 'fight, flight or freeze' response. Automatically adrenalin is released into your bloodstream, your heart rate goes up, you breathe faster and you have trouble thinking clearly. In effect, your thinking brain goes offline. You revert to habit and impulse.

As Geordie in the novel says, when panic looms, it's time to pay attention to your breathing. Breathing is the one vital function that you can control deliberately, just by deciding to breathe more fully and more slowly. This is why breathing exercises and breath control are an essential part of so many disciplines. Deliberately breathing more slowly and deeply puts you back in control. It calms you down by activating the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), and that brings your thinking brain back online. It's a classic example of how mind and body are two aspects of the same system, continually playing off each other - like the rhythm players and melody players of a band.

Try this exercise

Imagine a stressful situation that you may be facing. Maybe making a presentation to a difficult audience. Imagine it going really badly - really badly. Let your imagination run riot, and notice what happens to your heart rate and breathing. As you pay attention to your breathing, you will probably start breathing more slowly and deeply without even trying, because that's what happens when you pay attention to your breathing. Breathe in through your nose and feel your breath going down through your chest and heart area. Breathe out gently through your mouth, slightly open. For added benefit, mentally count as you breathe, with the same count on the in-breath and the out-breath. You can vary the number until you find the one that feels easiest to do.

You can do this exercise pretty much any time, any place. Give it a try and let me know how it goes

To command Attention, present with Attention

Your audience is spoiled rotten. Whenever it may be, whoever your audience might be - any audience - they're pretty much certain to be spoiled. Pretty much certain to be infinitely distractible, to have short attention spans, to be twitchy and fickle.

Everyone in the audience is used to getting a constant feed of compelling media content that's honed by algorithms to grab their attention.  Everyone has anytime access to the world's most riveting performers, from polished TED speakers and jaw-dropping commencement addresses, through star stand-up comedians, to kittens and kids doing cute things. Everyone has the itching sense that there's probably something more interesting happening somewhere else.

Everyone in the audience regularly feels an almost irresistible urge to check their phone for news, emails, messages, social media updates, to get get the next fix of those addictive little hits of stimulation. And increasingly, in presentations and meetings, people have no hesitation in firing up their screens. In fact one of the key performance indicators in ongoing presentation coaching is to track the percentage in the audience that's digitally AWOL at any one time.

So there you are, preparing to present to a spoiled audience that's seen videos of Steve Jobs. They may even have been entertained by top keynote speakers at gala events. What can you possibly do that will command their attention?

There are plenty of important techniques and tools e.g. start with an attention-grabbing hook, involve the audience, use stories. They all need preparation and practice to get them into the muscle. But what makes the difference to the audience's attention on the day is how well you manage your own attention throughout the presentation: smoothly switching between tracking the progress of your content delivery, tracking the audience's shifting responses, noticing your own thoughts and feelings, and not getting stuck on any of them.

Try this exercise

In an idle free moment, 1) start by briefly looking inwards and paying attention to your body - the soles of your feet, your thighs, your shoulders, your neck, your breath. Then 2) turn your attention outwards and briefly focus on two or three things that catch your eye. Then 3) open your attention to everything around you, taking it all in without focusing on anything in particular. Practice cycling through 1), 2) and 3) smoothly and quickly. For added benefit, notice how you feel as you do it.

You can do this exercise pretty much any time, any place. Give it a try and let me know how it goes

The benefits of (not) being Patrick Stewart

Walking into an upscale restaurant in rural France on a Bank Holiday break, I was on my way towards our table and nodded politely to the couple at the next table. After a brief hesitation, the lady of the couple reacted. She looked at me intently for a moment, her eyes widened, she broke into a big smile of recognition and mouthed "hello" as I walked past and sat down. What's with the hello? I definitely didn't know her. But her reaction was very familiar. Over the past few years, often when I meet people for the first time, they give me that "don't I know you from somewhere?" look. Sooner or later somebody will pop The Question: "Has anyone ever told you, you look like Patrick Stewart?"

The first few times it happened, I had to ask "who is Patrick Stewart?" because I honestly didn't know. Then I googled him and found out. He was famous as Captain Jean-Luc Picard in various iterations of Star Trek, a long-running TV series that I had somehow completely missed. As far as I could see, the only similarity is that he too is a middle-aged Englishman whose stand-out feature is his baldness. So I tended to take the PS-JLP reference as people saying "you look like a bald bloke on the TV!", which I really didn't need to hear. It irked me. For the first year or two of hearing The Question, I hid my annoyance as best I could with smart-arse answers such as "no, you're the first person who's told me that ... today". And I continued in a sort of double denial of two simple facts that I didn't much like: that I am bald, and that for quite a few people I look like Patrick Stewart.

Still, despite my annoyance, I couldn't help noticing that everybody likes Patrick Stewart the actor and Jean-Luc Picard the character. When I looked into them more closely, I found that they are a lot more than just famous show business faces like any number of other people who appear on TV. Captain Picard is loved and respected as a wise, gentle, eloquent leader who has faith in other people. And as Patrick Stewart shaped the character and embodied him, it seems that the actor and the character increasingly merged. As he said "I became a better listener than I ever had been as a result of playing Jean-Luc Picard because it was one of the things that he does terrifically well."

As for me, I have come round to accepting that some people think I look like PS-JLP. It's a fact of life, they do it whether I like it or not, so why not embrace it? In fact, I suspect there are benefits. Even when people find out that I'm not who they think I look like, on some level they still think I am him. They're primed to find me wise, gentle and eloquent, a good listener who has faith in other people. And gradually, as we chat, that's what they find. Without trying, I may well embody more of PS-JLP than I know!

If I were more hard-nosed at marketing my coaching work, I suppose I could take advantage of looking like PS-JLP, along the lines of: "How boldly could you go with the help of your own Starfleet Captain coaching you?" But on this point, I am very much like PS-JLP - that would be just too crass for our taste. I won't make it so.

UPDATE: Now, when people pop The Question, I can whip out my iPhone and show them this blog.

Yeah yeah yeah, but…”

In the early Noughties, when I lived near Amsterdam, I used to take part in a coaching group. I didn't much like the guy who ran it, and I wasn't crazy about the other people either. But I had a sense it was worth the trouble, so I regularly made the half-hour drive.

One day it was my turn in the hot seat and somebody gave me some feedback. I started answering back immediately. Before I could say more than a few words, the leader held up his hand, palm towards me, and said simply "technische afhandeling" (technical processing).

In other words, I was just going through the motions of taking the feedback. I was not really letting it in - not "letting it land". My ego was on full alert, finding arguments to dodge the comment, to avoid giving serious consideration to what was they were saying to me. I was more intent on justifying myself than understanding the other person’s perspective. Feeling somehow threatened by well-intentioned feedback, I was pushing back and missing a chance to learn.

I still have to remind myself that often, the most fruitful response to criticism is to shut up for a change, let it percolate and notice what happens inside.

Image credit: "Not listening to a word you're saying" by Cindy Press.